Realer than real

I was so excited, excited like a child about Christmas. For the first time ever I knew the real meaning of Easter and I was looking forward to celebrate it in a whole new light

Thinking back over my life, I had experienced many Easter holidays, egg hunts, Spring celebration and long weekends with friends at the beach. I remember Easter being a good reason for house cleaning and market strolls for the first flowers of the season.  Since we lived very near the Dutch border we had an abundance of tulips, daffodils and hyacinths, and the whole city seemed to join in for the event. Everyone was looking forward to a four day weekend, the first warm rays of sun; happiness seemed to be in the air. I also think back to my younger days and remember the first knee socks days and wearing mini shirts for the occasion, dressing up and listening to the church bells, even though we never did go to the service. I actually never thought about the crucifixion or even about Jesus. I watched the Gospel movies that came on TV regularly at this time of the year, but Jesus somehow always skipped my mind. One may think, “How is that possible?” I guess the Word is true when it calls people like me fools, truly blind fools.

Well, back to my story. I had just moved to the United States a year before and had started attending church, checking out my Christian friends by having a close watch on their lives. I had learned a lot about their way of living and Sunday sermons were filled with the “requirements of Christian living”. Quite a difference to my free-willed, atheist German, know-it-all, can-do-it-all spirit.
I couldn’t believe that my Christian friend ranchers ate beef on Good Friday. Never ever did I eat meat on that day, only fish! I didn’t know why I did it, but now that I understood, I was really shocked. I still giggle today about how somebody can live a life so ignorant.
It was on a warm and sunny Good Friday when I went to the mail box, already having my mind set on coloring some eggs, this time with Jesus on my mind. I had just been thinking how weird it felt that somebody would deliver mail on a day like this; I only knew Good Friday as a holiday when all the stores closed and no real music was played on the radio. I remember having a peppy swing in my step, soaking in the warm spring day. Could it be that maybe I was even feeling a little joy of the Lord?

When I opened the letter from the telephone company, my heart almost wanted to stop beating. In disbelief I starred at a $300.00 bill, all 900 numbers, I don’t think I have to go into any deeper explanations on this matter. Just in shock I went back into the house. I couldn’t really grasp the depth of it all. My life seemed to have just melted away in my hands. Yes, my husband (at that time) had already disappointed me by not helping out with a lot of chores, lying to me and grabbing the bottle too many times, but this…how could he do this to me?! Talking to women on the phone isn’t really any different than talking to them in person. I felt betrayed and rightly so.
I had given up literally everything for this man and our marriage. I had a great job, made lots of money, had all the social benefits and good friends. I had left it all behind and moved to another continent, into the boonies of New Mexico and lived on a paycheck that was sometimes not even $300.00 a month.. What was he thinking, repaying me like this?! Worse still, there was no way for me to reverse my mistake. I found myself in a place I had never dreamed possible.

I sat on the floor in the living room and was reminded of what I had been hearing in church. I had learned about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins and that we are to forgive others as God forgives us. “Well, today is the day that Jesus went to the cross for all this. Maybe it’s time to get real.” I thought to myself. “No way!” my heart screamed. “Not for something like this. This is too much.” My head was spinning. I felt trapped and I think the Holy Spirit started to notch at me a little. After I was done crying for a while I said to God, ”I really want to believe that you died for us on the cross on this day and I know I am supposed to forgive my husband, but I need your help God, because I don’t know how to.” I guess with that statement I had just unknowingly given my life to the Lord. (John 3:16) The words out of my mouth came straight from the heart. A voice right behind my head said as loud and clear as any human could, “It is paid for!” I didn’t even think about the awkwardness of hearing the voice, I just responded. “I know you paid for this on the cross, but I still have to pay the bill.” Again the voice said, “It is paid for!” A peace overcame me, a peace that made me forgive my husband and settled my shaking heart. I was surprised how nice the afternoon ended up being. Never had I heard that Jesus gives peace, but here I had experience it firsthand. (John 14:27)
That evening I wasn’t quite ready to meet my husband graciously, but I tried my very best to not kill him as soon as he walked in the door. I did have a hard time and the pain did not go away as I had wished for. I had not yet mastered the art of forgiving, but I gave it my best and celebrated Easter anyways.

The following week I found out that the bill had a mistake and that I did not need to pay it. Wow, it was paid for! The greatness of the moment I had experienced the previous week had started sinking in. The reality of God was becoming more clear. I had heard the voice say twice that it was paid for and so it was. It was paid for twice, the spiritual and the worldly way. It finally dawned on me that I really had heard the voice of God, for truly who else could it have been in the first place – there was nobody except me. I just started loving on God and excepting in my heart the truth that I had been listening to since I moved here. He is alive and He loves me! (1John 4:10)
In a way I was still in disbelief and at the same time in awe that a God who created the universe and the earth and all, would come down to me and care enough about me to meet with me in my darkest hour. (Psalm 34:17) What an incredible, loving, caring God did I just meet? So real! This was more than I had ever expected could happen. While pondering over that I started feeling incredibly humble, seeing for the first time how undeserving of this love I was. All my life I had been a rebel against my parents, society and even myself. I did not want to fit in and I had made sure people knew it. Still God took me in. Wow! (Romans 5:8)
Now I could see that I did need a Savior and realized that Jesus died on the cross for me also. Little did I know how many more things in my life He died for. To this day I am a project in the works; little by little – that is God’s way. (Philippians 1:6)

This was an Easter I would never forget; the beginning of a new life! This is why I’ve been so crazy about Jesus for the last twenty-something years and what I’ve shared with you was only the beginning. He has proven Himself to me over and over. Jesus is more real to me than any reality can be! (Psalm 16:11)

Oh, how I wish that you would lay down your doubt and open your heart to Him, feel His presence and receive His loving care. Let God become your best friend. True reverence and friendship at the same time, that is what He is longing for!

HOME     READ ANOTHER STORY